I have a hard time telling someone that I love them. I have for as long as I can recall. I didn’t tell anyone that I loved them until I was about 15. I told my high school girlfriend. In response after she told me. I knew enough about teenage romance to know to not leave that hanging. It was another few years before I told my mother, and longer still before I told my father.

As a family we just didn’t say it to each other. Romantically I had managed to tell 4 women that I loved them by the time I married at 23. Growing up I always knew that I was loved. But probably not by that word. I knew by the way my parents, especially my mother, cared for me and showed interest in me. I was fortunate and with age and wisdom comes immense gratitude for the love I had growing up. I just didn’t know that’s what it was called.

When I reflect on it, it seems that at some point I heard that LOVE was a big word. It should be reserved for only those people that you had a connection to far greater than anyone else. And it was a romantic word. This idea likely came from TV. I can almost imagine Greg Brady giving Peter some dating advice about playing it cool or something. Maybe it was a “Love American Style” short. Who knows. What I do know is that for a long time LOVE was a very big word and you don’t use it lightly.

As I was driving to work today a Beatles song came up in the playlist. I don’t remember which one but they sang the word love a bunch. They sang the word so easily. I was envious. How small a word it was to them. So small they could share it without any care; without embarrassment, without need for reciprocity. 

I’m grey-haired, the Brady Bunch hasn’t made a new episode in 50 years and I’ve said I love you to a few more people. It’s easier these days but I do still have some awkwardness. It’s still a little too big to always gracefully handle for me. But I’m getting better at it. I’ve told my wife and kids a bunch, my mom, and even my best friend. I’m going to keep working at it and hopefully LOVE will get so small I can give it out to everyone.

I love you.

Whew. That wasn’t so hard.